As you may have heard from my previous blog back in August we had been expecting and found out we were expecting twins during the miscarriage process. I thought I was O.K. with the miscarriage as I knew it was possible for me to get pregnant (since I already have two kids) and that it was possible for my husband to get me pregnant (since it was confirmed with the pregnancy that was ending all too quickly). BUT it has affected me more than I thought. When it seems as though everybody around me has just had a baby or is going to have a baby in the near future there is a part of me that is envious of their feats.
I'm ready emotionally and physically to give up my body as I know it to carry a baby for 9 months to be uncomfortable but completely joyful to know that there is a baby growing in my womb. I am also ready to give up a few more luxuries to be able to afford a baby and make a few more sacrifices so that my husband can have a child of his own (even though he is completely content on being a father figure to my girls).
Am I being Selfless or Selfish to want and long to have just one more child?
I feel as though the door to having another child for us is quickly closing. Not because we CAN'T have anymore after a certain amount of time but because we don't want to have another child after a certain amount of time. I had my children young- gave up my later childhood to become a mom and part of me is looking forward to being a young mom with grown children, not wanting to start all over again when my older children are so close to being more self-sufficient. Is that selfless or selfish?
I feel so contradictory as I write this please help! Any comments are welcome. :-)
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Change....
Change is inevitable. Sometimes easy, sometimes hard but most of all it's going to happen at some point. Whether it's the change in your heart, the change that others create or change that is needed, there will come a time when it will happen.
I know I need to make changes, first and foremost, I need to change my attitude, to feel better about myself and my abilities and the accomplishments I have made so far.
Second some changes (yes, more than one!) need to happen in our home. Consistency is the first, we need to be more consistent with rules, priveleges and consequences. Chores is the second, we need to work on a schedule of who does what chore and when. Third is setting an example. How can I expect my kids to keep their room organized when I can't keep the dining room table clear!?
And lastly, we need to work on being more healthy. My oldest daughter is pushing the limits with her weight, I'm overweight and my husband is starting to gain. So some dietary changes need to be made and we all need to make an effort to be more healthy and active.
So these next couple of months we will be working on change, a little bit at a time.
I know I need to make changes, first and foremost, I need to change my attitude, to feel better about myself and my abilities and the accomplishments I have made so far.
Second some changes (yes, more than one!) need to happen in our home. Consistency is the first, we need to be more consistent with rules, priveleges and consequences. Chores is the second, we need to work on a schedule of who does what chore and when. Third is setting an example. How can I expect my kids to keep their room organized when I can't keep the dining room table clear!?
And lastly, we need to work on being more healthy. My oldest daughter is pushing the limits with her weight, I'm overweight and my husband is starting to gain. So some dietary changes need to be made and we all need to make an effort to be more healthy and active.
So these next couple of months we will be working on change, a little bit at a time.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Absence of a Father
When you are raising a child or children with out their father(s) you undoubtedly come across some questions from your child. They will want to know what they look like, who they were, how tall they were or how you met them. They will want to hold onto every shred of connection they can from their absent parent.
Sometimes you will feel second best to the absent parent or if you have a partner they may be compared to the absent father. It's painful, not only to one's ego, but also to see that a child can only associate with someone that is supposed to be a role model to them by the tid bits of information they have either from memory or from asking a zillion questions.
How do you cope? How do you encourage the curiousity when it irritates the life out of you to be asked so many questions about the person who just walked away? Do you lie? Do you tell the whole truth? You NEVER want to downgrade or destruct the person that your child longs to connect with. So you simply say "I don't know why he doens't call" or "He knows our phone number and where we live, it's up to him to come and see you". What do you do with the Christmas present your child bought the absent parent two years ago that you have stored in the hutch waiting for the day they can give it to that parent? Do you make it disappear or do you keep the constant reminder of the pain your child feels not knowing the person the gift was meant for?
When that absent person reappears, promising to do better, promising to want a relationship and begging to be let back in that child's life. Do you let them? Do you make them prove to you that they are sincere? Or do you let them repeat the pattern that has been since the day the child was born? If the child is young, do you let them have a say and then deal with their tears when the absent father doesn't show or makes promises they can't keep or do you protect them and not let them see that person again because you know the pain they will end up with in the end?
How do you hold the resentment back? How do you gracefully and tactfully communicate with that person who has the ability to walk away from a precious gift they help create?
You love your child, you stand by your child and you do what's best for that child. You show them who loves them and they will understand as they age that it wasn't their fault and that you never know why people do the things they do. You give them as much information as you can and you answer their questions as best as you know how. You support them and you make the decision that you feel is appropriate. You know your child better than anyone and you have their best intentions at heart. It's up to you whether you tell them the whole truth or you let them decide whether or not they see their bio-father. You also realize that you will be the one who has to wipe away the tears or soothe the fears. That you have to be the rock. That's what you do. You love them and protect them as best you can and you will know deep down what's right for them and what's safe for them.
Sometimes you will feel second best to the absent parent or if you have a partner they may be compared to the absent father. It's painful, not only to one's ego, but also to see that a child can only associate with someone that is supposed to be a role model to them by the tid bits of information they have either from memory or from asking a zillion questions.
How do you cope? How do you encourage the curiousity when it irritates the life out of you to be asked so many questions about the person who just walked away? Do you lie? Do you tell the whole truth? You NEVER want to downgrade or destruct the person that your child longs to connect with. So you simply say "I don't know why he doens't call" or "He knows our phone number and where we live, it's up to him to come and see you". What do you do with the Christmas present your child bought the absent parent two years ago that you have stored in the hutch waiting for the day they can give it to that parent? Do you make it disappear or do you keep the constant reminder of the pain your child feels not knowing the person the gift was meant for?
When that absent person reappears, promising to do better, promising to want a relationship and begging to be let back in that child's life. Do you let them? Do you make them prove to you that they are sincere? Or do you let them repeat the pattern that has been since the day the child was born? If the child is young, do you let them have a say and then deal with their tears when the absent father doesn't show or makes promises they can't keep or do you protect them and not let them see that person again because you know the pain they will end up with in the end?
How do you hold the resentment back? How do you gracefully and tactfully communicate with that person who has the ability to walk away from a precious gift they help create?
You love your child, you stand by your child and you do what's best for that child. You show them who loves them and they will understand as they age that it wasn't their fault and that you never know why people do the things they do. You give them as much information as you can and you answer their questions as best as you know how. You support them and you make the decision that you feel is appropriate. You know your child better than anyone and you have their best intentions at heart. It's up to you whether you tell them the whole truth or you let them decide whether or not they see their bio-father. You also realize that you will be the one who has to wipe away the tears or soothe the fears. That you have to be the rock. That's what you do. You love them and protect them as best you can and you will know deep down what's right for them and what's safe for them.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
School's In Session!
My daughters are back in school along with two or three other school districts in our area. My oldest was apprehensive about starting fourth grade because she thought it would be hard and my youngest was excited to go to school to show off her new wardrobe! Can you tell the difference in priorities!?
This school year I am putting my two plus three other children on the bus. The first child arrives at 6:45 so I am getting up at 6 or before to make sure I am ready and get the girls ready too. So far we are three days in and it's been smooth sailing. :-)
What I really like about this schedule is that I am officially starting to have a ROUTINE! I guess I do work best when I have a lot to do. I current get five on the bus, go to work or school and then return home to retrieve four off the bus. After school is homework and snack time. Before school is usually tv time or running around outside. I have yet to find another activity for the morning but so far I am keeping my table cleaned off for homework space, my sink empty for dirty dishes and my floors vacuumed for children who may want to lay around in the morning!
Hope the enthusiasm stays! Oh and did I mention with my tight schedule I have been able to stay AHEAD of schedule with homework for school!? Here's wishing everybody a successful school year!
This school year I am putting my two plus three other children on the bus. The first child arrives at 6:45 so I am getting up at 6 or before to make sure I am ready and get the girls ready too. So far we are three days in and it's been smooth sailing. :-)
What I really like about this schedule is that I am officially starting to have a ROUTINE! I guess I do work best when I have a lot to do. I current get five on the bus, go to work or school and then return home to retrieve four off the bus. After school is homework and snack time. Before school is usually tv time or running around outside. I have yet to find another activity for the morning but so far I am keeping my table cleaned off for homework space, my sink empty for dirty dishes and my floors vacuumed for children who may want to lay around in the morning!
Hope the enthusiasm stays! Oh and did I mention with my tight schedule I have been able to stay AHEAD of schedule with homework for school!? Here's wishing everybody a successful school year!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Am I crazy!?
After hearing about the show Extreme Couponing and after watching a few clips on the internet and reading about the money that can be saved, earned or not spent at all by extreme couponing; I have become curious as to how these people do it. I have read blogs, I have watched videos and now I feel as though I am ready to join the madness. I want to join the madness only because it will help our budget. Not because I want to stockpile a room in our house with three cases of toothpaste that I got for a few dollars or nothing at all but because I want to be able to buy the necessities our family needs at a really good price.
A friend of mine and I are talking about a "girls" night to cut coupons and maybe exchange coupons etc. Maybe we will start a club- maybe not- but either way our goal is to save money. To save ourselves a little grief at the grocery store and provide our family's with the things we need at little or no cost.
Am I crazy!? This means I have to be more organized and I have to dedicate one more evening of my time to something else. No, I can't be crazy to want to do this so my husband doesn't have to take on another job, so that we can spend more time together and be able to plan better for the things we want and need to do in the future. I have to do this and I will, for my family!
A friend of mine and I are talking about a "girls" night to cut coupons and maybe exchange coupons etc. Maybe we will start a club- maybe not- but either way our goal is to save money. To save ourselves a little grief at the grocery store and provide our family's with the things we need at little or no cost.
Am I crazy!? This means I have to be more organized and I have to dedicate one more evening of my time to something else. No, I can't be crazy to want to do this so my husband doesn't have to take on another job, so that we can spend more time together and be able to plan better for the things we want and need to do in the future. I have to do this and I will, for my family!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
An Unexpected Turn
Since my last post a few things have changed.
We found out the house that we were preparing to purchase is off the market. It's not sold but the owner decided to take if off the market. We are assuming he may have found a rentor or decided to move into the home himself. Either way, it's not available for purchase at the moment.
Friday I ended up back in the triage unit at the hospital and found out that my HCG (pregnancy hormones) levels dropped over a 100 points and we are losing the pregnancy. We were expecting the worse but still shocked that as quickly as we found out we were possibly having twins we found out we were losing them. A very high level of frustration has come out of this for me as I feel as though the physicians could have prepared us more on Wednesday. If I weren't educated I would have thought everything was fine when we left the hospital on Wednesday by the way the physicians explained things to us.
Also on Friday when we were in the triage unit we found out that the main water line into our house broke. So we rushed home to figure out that we couldn't fix it until the morning.
So I guess if it weren't for bad luck we wouldn't have luck at all. I have been praying for guidance and understanding of our circumstances and the only message I can come up with is that God is telling us we need to focus on other things now. That we don't need any more distractions or "wants" right now. So we fixed our water line, we are mending our broken spirit and re-evaluating our direction.
We found out the house that we were preparing to purchase is off the market. It's not sold but the owner decided to take if off the market. We are assuming he may have found a rentor or decided to move into the home himself. Either way, it's not available for purchase at the moment.
Friday I ended up back in the triage unit at the hospital and found out that my HCG (pregnancy hormones) levels dropped over a 100 points and we are losing the pregnancy. We were expecting the worse but still shocked that as quickly as we found out we were possibly having twins we found out we were losing them. A very high level of frustration has come out of this for me as I feel as though the physicians could have prepared us more on Wednesday. If I weren't educated I would have thought everything was fine when we left the hospital on Wednesday by the way the physicians explained things to us.
Also on Friday when we were in the triage unit we found out that the main water line into our house broke. So we rushed home to figure out that we couldn't fix it until the morning.
So I guess if it weren't for bad luck we wouldn't have luck at all. I have been praying for guidance and understanding of our circumstances and the only message I can come up with is that God is telling us we need to focus on other things now. That we don't need any more distractions or "wants" right now. So we fixed our water line, we are mending our broken spirit and re-evaluating our direction.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
The beginning of a new journey!
It's been forever since I have blogged and I think it's long over due. My husband and I found out that we are expecting almost three weeks ago now. It's been fun and scary all at the same time. I brought two daughters into the marriage and they are currently 7.5 and almost 9 so that will make them 8 and 9.5 years old when I deliver.
Last week I ordered the stroller and carseat- because I knew exactly what I wanted and I didn't want them to go out of style before I delivered and they were on sale. :-) My husband jokingly asked what happens if you have a miscarriage or worse yet, we have twins! I laughed him off and simply told him that I have never had issues with my pregnancies so this baby will be just fine and twins don't run in the family.
The girls are super stoked about having a baby brother or sister. Each one wants the opposite gender. They love to go "window" shopping online with me and look at all the cute baby gear. We are making a mental list of all the things we are going to need and praying for a healthy baby and a smooth transition into a bigger family.
Yesterday was like any other day. I got up and took the girls to the sitters and then came to work. I went to the bathroom a lot and had some cramping but nothing that worried me too much. After work I had a dentist appointment and they were hesitant about giving me novicaine since I was so early in my pregnancy but my regular physician said I would be fine. So I didnt worry. After my appointment I rushed to the bathroom since my bladder was full again. To my horror I was bleeding. Not a lot but I don't ever have complications with my pregnancies (right!?).
My OB sent me to the local women's and babies hospital where they took my blood, and did an external and internal ultrasound. My husband and I sat there for what seemed like an eternity waiting on some word. Was I losing the baby? Did they find something they weren't expecting? What is going on?
When the doctor finally came back she told us that the bloodwork wasn't quite done yet but she wanted to let us know what was going on and would have the office read the results of the bloodwork in the morning. But the Rad Tech saw that they are pretty sure are two gestational sacks in my uterus. Two!? I think my jaw hit the floor! The doctor said not to get two excited yet but there is a possibility if everything is ok, you will be having twins. Twins!? Oh my goodness, how exciting! How scary! There may be two little babies growing inside me. Two!
Next week I will have a follow-up ultrasound. Only time will tell if everything is ok and a full confirmation of twins. Twins! Wow!
Last week I ordered the stroller and carseat- because I knew exactly what I wanted and I didn't want them to go out of style before I delivered and they were on sale. :-) My husband jokingly asked what happens if you have a miscarriage or worse yet, we have twins! I laughed him off and simply told him that I have never had issues with my pregnancies so this baby will be just fine and twins don't run in the family.
The girls are super stoked about having a baby brother or sister. Each one wants the opposite gender. They love to go "window" shopping online with me and look at all the cute baby gear. We are making a mental list of all the things we are going to need and praying for a healthy baby and a smooth transition into a bigger family.
Yesterday was like any other day. I got up and took the girls to the sitters and then came to work. I went to the bathroom a lot and had some cramping but nothing that worried me too much. After work I had a dentist appointment and they were hesitant about giving me novicaine since I was so early in my pregnancy but my regular physician said I would be fine. So I didnt worry. After my appointment I rushed to the bathroom since my bladder was full again. To my horror I was bleeding. Not a lot but I don't ever have complications with my pregnancies (right!?).
My OB sent me to the local women's and babies hospital where they took my blood, and did an external and internal ultrasound. My husband and I sat there for what seemed like an eternity waiting on some word. Was I losing the baby? Did they find something they weren't expecting? What is going on?
When the doctor finally came back she told us that the bloodwork wasn't quite done yet but she wanted to let us know what was going on and would have the office read the results of the bloodwork in the morning. But the Rad Tech saw that they are pretty sure are two gestational sacks in my uterus. Two!? I think my jaw hit the floor! The doctor said not to get two excited yet but there is a possibility if everything is ok, you will be having twins. Twins!? Oh my goodness, how exciting! How scary! There may be two little babies growing inside me. Two!
Next week I will have a follow-up ultrasound. Only time will tell if everything is ok and a full confirmation of twins. Twins! Wow!
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