When you are raising a child or children with out their father(s) you undoubtedly come across some questions from your child. They will want to know what they look like, who they were, how tall they were or how you met them. They will want to hold onto every shred of connection they can from their absent parent.
Sometimes you will feel second best to the absent parent or if you have a partner they may be compared to the absent father. It's painful, not only to one's ego, but also to see that a child can only associate with someone that is supposed to be a role model to them by the tid bits of information they have either from memory or from asking a zillion questions.
How do you cope? How do you encourage the curiousity when it irritates the life out of you to be asked so many questions about the person who just walked away? Do you lie? Do you tell the whole truth? You NEVER want to downgrade or destruct the person that your child longs to connect with. So you simply say "I don't know why he doens't call" or "He knows our phone number and where we live, it's up to him to come and see you". What do you do with the Christmas present your child bought the absent parent two years ago that you have stored in the hutch waiting for the day they can give it to that parent? Do you make it disappear or do you keep the constant reminder of the pain your child feels not knowing the person the gift was meant for?
When that absent person reappears, promising to do better, promising to want a relationship and begging to be let back in that child's life. Do you let them? Do you make them prove to you that they are sincere? Or do you let them repeat the pattern that has been since the day the child was born? If the child is young, do you let them have a say and then deal with their tears when the absent father doesn't show or makes promises they can't keep or do you protect them and not let them see that person again because you know the pain they will end up with in the end?
How do you hold the resentment back? How do you gracefully and tactfully communicate with that person who has the ability to walk away from a precious gift they help create?
You love your child, you stand by your child and you do what's best for that child. You show them who loves them and they will understand as they age that it wasn't their fault and that you never know why people do the things they do. You give them as much information as you can and you answer their questions as best as you know how. You support them and you make the decision that you feel is appropriate. You know your child better than anyone and you have their best intentions at heart. It's up to you whether you tell them the whole truth or you let them decide whether or not they see their bio-father. You also realize that you will be the one who has to wipe away the tears or soothe the fears. That you have to be the rock. That's what you do. You love them and protect them as best you can and you will know deep down what's right for them and what's safe for them.
