Heavy Thoughts

I have always had image issues. Some of them ingrained into me as a child by my mother's constant chants of "suck in your stomach, dress nice, it's important to make a good first impression and you're going to make people think badly of you". I am thankful for her advice and wisdom (most of it). I just feel as though some of it has made me insecure.

I know for a fact that my mother is insecure, she would never leave her house without looking top of the nine and with a fresh coat of make-up on and her hair all done up nice. She's still that way. It's her pride, it's all she has. She wasn't raised in a loving household like most imagine, she had a really rough childhood, growing up in the 40's with an abusive father and ignorant mother. She was one of 6, the "middle" child. Somewhat raised by her eldest sister. But that's another story... She's come far, she's raised 3 of her 4 children, the best way she knew how. She tried her hardest to instill good manners, respect and dignity into us. Some of it worked, and some didn't but that's the trials of motherhood, I guess. My mom hasn't had success in marriage or most of her relationships and this isn't some "mother-bashing" session, it's just merely stating the unapparent. She holds her head up high, but inside, I know she's just like me.

She fears that people ridicule her; that she doesn't have "real" friends,; that she is always there for people, not expecting anything in return but in the chance that she does need them, they are nowhere to be found. There are other people who are in her life, relations that should be there and aren't, people who say they care, but can't even stop in to pay her a visit. I feel the same way, I feel as though there are certain people in my life that feel like I should just drop everything and run to them.

I'm tired, no actually I'm exhausted.

My insecurities are high at this moment. I had goals of losing weight for the wedding, but instead I'm sure I gained more. I haven't touched my scale in months out of fear of what it would say. It doesn't help my morale when someone who has never had to wear anything above a size 6 try to empathize with me. Ok, I understand, you may have gained 15 pounds in 7 months, but get over it hunny! I'm 70 lbs overweight. It affects me severely, but can I or do I do anything about it. No.

My mom suggests that I should get my thyroid checked, I may have an issue, I don't. Trust me, I have had my thyroid checked three times, my grandmother says, "it runs in the family". Why is that just ok? My mom is a stick, my dad is "thick" and I'm fat. It depresses me. My doctor says to increase my activity, my mom says I overload myself, my shins scream in pain, the house shakes when I work out and I just want to be able to eat something without the worry of gaining another pound!

I can outrun my fiance who is pretty thin, and I know that being thin doesn't mean that you are healthy, but seriously, I have asthma and I'm FAT and I run circles around him.

I need help, but at the moment there is none, I'm not heavy enough to have any kind of "intervention", I don't have enough money for a gym membership or the will-power to do it myself anymore. I'm inpatient and I want to see results and to be honest, I don't want to have to workout the rest of my life just to maintain some stupid image of myself. But how can you not, when you should have a flat stomach, boobs, long slender legs and a beautiful complexion according to "standards". When "plus-size" websites, commercials and advertising is showing off women who are a size 12-14. That's not plus, that's the old me, the "thin" me. That however does explain my insecurities when I was that size though.

I know I need to change things in order to change me. But I don't binge eat, I drink more water than anything and I'm active (not as much as I should be...I know). If being thin and "comfortable" means that I have to live 'uncomfortably' --AKA-never eating chocolate, sweets, ice cream, pasta or ketchup ever again. Well I guess I would rather be fat.

I'm sure this is stress from planning a wedding, learning and new profession and going to school all at the same time. But every word is true. I'm feeling insecure about what I look like, the friendships I have and my role as a parent/responsible adult. But who doesn't!? We're all human....aren't we?

A union of two plus two...

The wedding plans are coming along, but I realized today that in all the hustle and bustle of planning "our" big day that I was overlooking a very crucial part of our wedding....
When Derek and I discussed the possibility of marriage we discussed many things "we" wanted. I wanted to have a destination wedding with close friends and family, he wanted a traditional wedding close to home that didn't require everybody to travel somewhere (plus the added cost of the traveling). We decided to have an outdoor wedding in a local park, it was a good compromise for me (and him since he didn't care where we got married, as long as it was local). We discussed who we'd invite, where we would honeymoon and then eventually where we'd possibly buy a house for our family.

When we discussed the "ring", Derek asked me what type of ring I would want. I explained to him that I wanted something different, unique a three stone ring with colored stones, possibly orange since it's my favorite color. He then suggested his idea, "I thought I would get your girls' birthstones put in the ring, because I didn't fall in love with just one girl, but three". I almost cried, but since I "never" cry, I smiled and thought to myself, "where has this guy been my whole life!?"

So a unique, three stone ring with colored stones is what he proposed with. He also saved the diamonds that were originally on the ring to be set into something we would give to the girls, eventually.

So from that point on our wedding plans have been all about joining not just him and I, but all four of us, into one family. When we met with our pastor and told her our plans to include the girls in our wedding ceremony she thought it was great but confided with us that she has never done a family union before so she wanted to do some research. Our honeymoon will be a "family"moon, a trip to Disney for ALL of us to share together.

A website that I have found very helpful is http://www.idotaketwo.com/child_wedding.html there are sample vows for parents and children, unique gifts and advice. I have found several other sites as well just by google searching "family union wedding", "vows for children in wedding", "combined marriages" etc. I have been pleased to find so much on non-traditional weddings but there was something I have been overlooking. That special gift, preferrably a necklace for Derek to present to the girls during the ceremony.

We really had our hearts set on finding them a necklace that had their birthstone in it and the option of adding one of the original diamonds that came out of my ring. That way they would have an original piece of my ring as well and something signifying the importance of them in the wedding and our lives.

So what to get, a heart, a family medallion, a key or something specific to the girls? There are so many possibilities and Derek and I are really struggling to find something we both think is appropriate for them.

So a web searching I will go and maybe even try to find a custom jeweler...but that I fear will be too expensive. I just need to remember to not procastinate on finding something special to share with them on our wedding day because, on May 7, 2011, the spotlight shouldn't just be on Derek and I.

Our love goes deeper than each other, we have pieces of our hearts' in my two daughters. The bond in our family is greater than a man and a woman, it is a union of two plus two.

Plans coming together...

My fiance and I have been engaged for over a year, we decided to have a long engagement to enable ourselves time-- time to save money, time to adjust to living together, and time to plan. I was so ready to start planning things, but I wasn't sure where to start considering I wanted a "cheap" DIY wedding. As I began to look at ceremony/reception places I realized that "cheap" was not in the works.

This didn't sit well with me at first because all I really wanted was nice scenery, a place that was big enough to hold at least a hundred people because I'm sure that's how many people will be coming if not more. (Still not really sure how to gauge how many people will be there.) I believe that if people continue to pay these outrageous prices for these farms and venues they will continue to charge an outrageous fee. (But that's another argument altogether.) So we decided to pick a park. It was next to nothing price wise but we will be doing everything ourselves and I'm O.K. with that!

So the plans-- First our colors are Tangerine (Orange) and Horizon (Royal Blue). I had originally wanted a colbalt blue but really had trouble finding dresses in that color.

Ceremony, Ceremony here we come...soon! It will be outdoors, in the Garden of Five Senses at Lancaster County Central Park. There is a gazebo there, it is quite industrialized and ugly up close but it will provide a nice backdrop with very little decorating. The lawn is on a hill so it provided a slight challenge in the planning process but I think we have it worked out. We decided not to rent chairs due to the short amount of time that we have the lawn for, so everybody will be responsible for providing their own seat. We will have the aisle marked with the aisle runner and shepherds hooks with floral balls adorning every hook. I am still undecided on whether or not to rope off the shepherds hooks with tulle yet. As for our "getaway" vehicle that is still in the air.

Partay! The reception is at the other side of the park in an indoor pavillion. Now when everybody thinks pavillion they think, picnic tables and rustic atmosphere. It's actually kind of nice, there are folding tables and chairs, a fireplace, a kitchen, indoor toilets and enclosed walls with windows. As for the decorating, we will be using mostly disposables so that clean up is a breeze. Since orange and blue can be a tricky combination we decided have white be the main color and then accent with orange and blue. As for the favors, there will be two kinds, we will be doing a candy buffet where everyone will be able to take some of our sweets home with them and their name tag holders will also double as a favor.

As for food...we will have a buffet of chicken and ribs, various salads, and healthy snacks. We just don't know who will be catering it yet...My cake is being done by a friend and I'm more than sure that she will please all the guests (the ones that actually like to eat cake).

Flowers..well they have been a bit tricky. I thought I knew what I wanted, but now I'm not sure. If I were paying for them (which I had originally thought we were) it would be completely different. But now someone has offered to buy them and it seems as though the process just got a whole lot more difficult. It doesn't seem to matter what "I" want anymore...but we have time to work on that. :)

So it seems as though plans are moving along, our guest list is all but finished and we will be sending out invites in early March as soon as we finalize some little details.

All in all the plans seem to be coming together...slowly...but surely!

Does it really matter?

It's Valentines day, everybody knows it. It's the 14th day of the second month of the year. Some call it V-day, some call it over-priced, useless, and a "hallmark" holiday. But doesn't it seem as though ALL holidays have become over the top?

Everybody knows at least one person (if not more) that "demands" a gift on Valentines Day...usually a gift sent to the work place, to essentially (as I see it) to "show off". I'm not saying that a nice gift of flowers, a box of chocolate, a love note or card, or even a piece of jewelry are gifts that people should or should not give to their beloved. But why does it have to be on the 14th day of the second month of the year. Don't get me wrong, I love gifts from my significant other and especially from my children (usually because they are handmade!). I'm also not going to lie and say I have never wished to get such gifts delivered to me at my work place to get attention and make others slightly envious.

I don't think such gifts should be demanded nor do I think they need to be held up as a sign to the universe to say "look how much someone loves me" especially when the person holding up the billboard probably sent a HUGE hint of "I really want you to send me flowers at work, or I really want this piece of jewelry etc..."

I know this sounds really cynical but I'm not trying to be (really I'm not). And maybe my view lens is slightly fogged at the moment. Maybe I am looking at it all wrong. Maybe everybody is "showing off" their gifts as a way to "thank" and boost their partners ego a little in order to show them that they are proud of what a great way their partner showed them they cared.

I got a gift. Actually I will be honest I asked for my gift (in a way). I wanted a card and chocolate (I essentially told him I didn't want a stuffed animal or for him to buy me anything expensive)but most of all I wanted to share my love with my loves. I'm a "get more out of giving" person.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, does it really matter if you are getting a gift on the 14th day of the second month of the year?

 I like to show my loved ones I care. I give my partner a card almost once (maybe sometimes, more than once) a month. Just a little pick "him" up to tell him, he makes me feel special and I appreciate all he does for me and my girls. I don't think you can tell or show someone how much you appreciate and care for them too much. I think that's what keeps love alive. I made gifts for some of my closest friends. With intentions of delivering them over the weekend but it didn't happen due to me becoming ill and I fear that those gifts (that were edible) are no longer any good. So when I have a free moment (even though it won't be the 14th day of the second month of the year anymore) I will hand deliver my edible goodies to tell my friends how much I care and I will continue to share my love with my loves on any day of the year that I feel is appropriate...not just wait for the 14th day of the second month of the year to give it.

By the way, if it counts. I actually got my gifts on the 13th! :)

Here Goes!

I often read friends' blogs and even blogs of people I don't know. I find what people have to say about (almost) anything so interesting. So I asked myself, "why don't you write a blog?"

Here goes!

I love to write (and talk). When I had an account on MySpace I wrote about things frequently. I tried only once on Facebook to write a post but never got much response. So I thought to myself, a blog may be more appropriate.

So what to write about? How about the decision to name my blog "Rumblestrips". It took me awhile to come up with a name for my blog. I think it's one of the reasons it took me so long to even consider starting a blog. I wanted the name to be catchy, unique and have some kind of meaning. Rumblestrips is symbolic to all the bumps in the road of life. All those unexpected, loud, vibrations that can usually be a warning of what's to come or in hopes of waking us up before we have a collision. Or it could signify the laughs that are caused by those rumbling vibrations we feel as we pass over those bumps in the road. Either way it signifies something meaningful (to me anyway) on the road of life. :) What does it mean to you? 

So with that being said, sit down, buckle up and hold on, because we're about to start our journey on Rumblestrips.