"Grace!?- She died 20 years ago"

If you know movies you know where that line comes from. Right now I feel as though my grace had died 20 years ago. I am trying so hard to be understanding, flexible and forgiving but it is a real challenge.

I couldn't tell you when it started or how, but several years ago, I noticed that the loving, caring, ever forgiving Meghan was slowly disappearing. Maybe it was the circumstances of the time, the over-exhausted helping hand that had been bitten too many times or some other trigger; but I have noticed a change in my attitude towards others.

I don't want to be cynical, judgemental or seem uncaring because I do care about people a lot. I care about people I shouldn't have to care about but that is me. So after reading a friends blog, and asking myself over and over again why I seem to pick people apart, I have decided to start seeing the good and helping to lift others and myself.

In all the hardships we all face, we must have faith and with faith should come grace. We should look at peoples' hard work, effort and good intentions instead of seeing their faults. Because God knows...we all have them. :-)

So here's to Grace and the hopes that she's not really dead!

Great News, New Challenges and a New Outlook.

We have great news! I'm so excited to share. :-) Derek and I have officially decided to bring my girls home from Milton Hershey School. For those of you who don't know about MHS, I'd like to take a moment to tell you about it.

Milton Hershey School was founded by Milton S. Hershey of Hershey Foods Inc. (You know those delicious Hershey Bars, Hershey Kisses etc. Milton and his wife could not concieve children so he took his entire fortune from his company to build a school for orphan boys. Their mission was to assist these boys in having a future, follow God and be successful in education and work. In the last 101 years (They celebrated their 100th anniversary last year.) the school has evolved to change with the times. They school opened it's doors to girls in the 70s (I think) and has been continuing to open it's doors to under privileged and economically challenged students. It is NOT a military school, or a behavioral academy. They provide students with what their parent/s aren't able to provide either financially or recreationally.

I made the decision 4 years ago (before I met Derek) to enroll my girls into the school. I was tired of working two to three jobs to try and provide for them and myself. I rarely saw them and they were practically raised in a daycare (that I was only able to send them to with public assistance). I didn't qualify for much assistance so all my money went for food, housing, transportation and utility bills. I wanted more for them and because I wanted them to have more opportunities and not feel like they never had opportunities. I sacrificed the hardest thing, my time with them. I sacrificed being with them everyday, tucking them in at night, sending them off to school in the morning. I missed every first day of school and missed watching their school events. It was hard, no worse, it was crushing. But not anymore!

In December, Derek agreed to let me take on a PT job in order to save on daycare because we were already in the planning process to bring the girls home after the wedding. I started my PT job the first week in January. The first two months were super stressful due to the fact that I had never done accounting, payroll, filed witholding taxes or been involved with an audit. But I hit the ground running. I got through the audits and I learned quicker than ever and by the seat of my pants.

Then I found out the girls were on the roster to stay for summer school, I didn't want them to have to stay for summer school which shortens their 6 week summer down to just 3 weeks. Summer school at MHS isn't just for failing kids, but also an opportunity to get up to MHS high level of educational standards. So Derek and I decided we would pull the girls out of MHS right before the wedding. It made sense because they would then get to meet new friends where we live and have playmates during the summer. And of course that evolved into, their Easter break was over just a week and a half before the wedding, so it really made sense to just bring them home on April 15. :-)

But with that great news comes a new set of stress, we still have final details to get done for the wedding, my dress isn't done, I have papers and two presentations yet to do before finals week and I have to juggle the adjustment of getting 3 ready in the morning instead of 1. I know I'm ready for it, I just don't know how I'm going to do it. All this gives me a new outlook though, I have watched friends struggle with life obstacles all while working and going to school and raising kids and if they can do it. So can I, especially with the love and support that Derek has given me/us. I have noticed a new sense of calm in me, one that comes from experience that things will always get better and from the knowledge that I am where I'm supposed to be.

Luck of the Irish or Murphy's Law?

This morning I was abruptly awakened to Derek's attempt to get our furnace up and running. Our furnace has been acting up for two winters now. Last year wasn't so bad, it was just annoying. Derek thought it was a glitch in the thermostat until this year. We have had someone out to work on our furnace almost monthly this winter. This morning was slightly different than the other times and more frightening too.

Usually our furnace just won't turn on, so we have to reset it. This year our furnace pumps too much oil into the fire box and then when the furnace ignites it sends the horrible smelling fuel fumes throughout our house. Last night however, the pump kept pumping fuel and the fire box never ignited. So when Derek went to start the furnace this morning it made this awful chugging noise. (It was shaking the walls- I know that's not saying much because we live in a trailer-but it was still nerve racking)

After turning off the furnace, a fire was still ignited in the firebox because of all the oil residue in the box. There was oil on the outside of our furnace this time too, that's what made me nervous. When Derek called our oil company at 6:00 am this morning they said the fire would stay contained in the box, my question was, if the fire stays contained, how does the oil get on the outside? So the fire stayed lit in the firebox for over 30 minutes. Black smoke rolling out of our chimney.

The good news, the fire finally snuffed out, our repair man came and replaced the pump and sprayed some awesome odor eliminating spray into our blower fan so that it filled our house with a pleasant smell rather than heating oil fumes. The bad news, our furnace control module is on it's way out.

More good news, spring is coming!  The relief-- we will be buying a new furnace, switching from oil (because we are now required to by the mobile home park) to propane and getting central air! I'm excited but hesitant as I know it won't be free. But I know it will calm my worries about my family's safety and comfort.

Some more good, I found my camera that has been missing for a week, where I left it, in my dress coat pocket (that shows you how much I wear that thing!), our projects for the wedding are coming along smoothly, we meet with our DJ tonight and Cake Baker on Sunday.

The not so good, I accidently deleted all the pictures off of Derek's camera last night by accident. It wouldn't have been so bad because all the pictures were already downloaded on the computer EXCEPT the ones I took last weekend of my youngest holding my great nephew with her sister and my sisters dog all curled up together! (I guess it calls for a picture re-do!) Such as life. I have the memory.

Looking forward to a smoother downhill ride to the day. AND I'm hoping when I lose the Murphy name the Law goes with it! :)

So Full

Derek and I went to Chapel service with my girls this morning at MHS. I will be honest that I grumble and mumble about how annoying it is to have to pick my girls up on a Saturday and drive an hour home, have them spend the night and have to drive them an hour back to Hershey on Sunday morning to go to chapel with them and then turn around and drive back home for 4-5 hours before we have to drive back to Hershey by 5:00 pm to drop them back off at the student home because it's mandatory on this weekend to take them to chapel and it's always mandatory to take them back to the student home by 5:00 pm on Sundays.

But whenn we get there, I feel blessed. I have an overwhelming feeling flood my body and my heart feels full. Today my heart felt especially full. I don't know if it was because we were about to worship the Almighty, or the fact that they had elementary students reading scriptures and leading us in prayer, or the fact that my fiance was there supporting US, that we are about to officially become a family in two months, we sang Amazing Grace and it brought tears to my eyes. There was a soloist (an MHS student- HS Division) sing "Held" by Natalie Grant. The question was asked today... "Who do you serve?"  I will be frank, I have never fully served God, but it's something I want to do. I just don't always know how, and sometimes I feel out of place, awkward or ignorant to His work.

I wasn't raised going to church. We didn't really speak of God. Except for the not-so-nice Oh my (fill in the blank). I believe in Him, but I know I don't always serve Him. But either way, I know when I walk into His house of worship, any of them, I feel full, I feel an overwhelming sensation come over my body, it makes me feel whole, it fills my eyes with tears. I know that when Derek and I bring the girls home, I'd really like to find a church that we all feel comfortable in and go. We may not go every Sunday, but I'd still like to have that "extended family", that place where we can go to honor our creator.

Heavy Thoughts

I have always had image issues. Some of them ingrained into me as a child by my mother's constant chants of "suck in your stomach, dress nice, it's important to make a good first impression and you're going to make people think badly of you". I am thankful for her advice and wisdom (most of it). I just feel as though some of it has made me insecure.

I know for a fact that my mother is insecure, she would never leave her house without looking top of the nine and with a fresh coat of make-up on and her hair all done up nice. She's still that way. It's her pride, it's all she has. She wasn't raised in a loving household like most imagine, she had a really rough childhood, growing up in the 40's with an abusive father and ignorant mother. She was one of 6, the "middle" child. Somewhat raised by her eldest sister. But that's another story... She's come far, she's raised 3 of her 4 children, the best way she knew how. She tried her hardest to instill good manners, respect and dignity into us. Some of it worked, and some didn't but that's the trials of motherhood, I guess. My mom hasn't had success in marriage or most of her relationships and this isn't some "mother-bashing" session, it's just merely stating the unapparent. She holds her head up high, but inside, I know she's just like me.

She fears that people ridicule her; that she doesn't have "real" friends,; that she is always there for people, not expecting anything in return but in the chance that she does need them, they are nowhere to be found. There are other people who are in her life, relations that should be there and aren't, people who say they care, but can't even stop in to pay her a visit. I feel the same way, I feel as though there are certain people in my life that feel like I should just drop everything and run to them.

I'm tired, no actually I'm exhausted.

My insecurities are high at this moment. I had goals of losing weight for the wedding, but instead I'm sure I gained more. I haven't touched my scale in months out of fear of what it would say. It doesn't help my morale when someone who has never had to wear anything above a size 6 try to empathize with me. Ok, I understand, you may have gained 15 pounds in 7 months, but get over it hunny! I'm 70 lbs overweight. It affects me severely, but can I or do I do anything about it. No.

My mom suggests that I should get my thyroid checked, I may have an issue, I don't. Trust me, I have had my thyroid checked three times, my grandmother says, "it runs in the family". Why is that just ok? My mom is a stick, my dad is "thick" and I'm fat. It depresses me. My doctor says to increase my activity, my mom says I overload myself, my shins scream in pain, the house shakes when I work out and I just want to be able to eat something without the worry of gaining another pound!

I can outrun my fiance who is pretty thin, and I know that being thin doesn't mean that you are healthy, but seriously, I have asthma and I'm FAT and I run circles around him.

I need help, but at the moment there is none, I'm not heavy enough to have any kind of "intervention", I don't have enough money for a gym membership or the will-power to do it myself anymore. I'm inpatient and I want to see results and to be honest, I don't want to have to workout the rest of my life just to maintain some stupid image of myself. But how can you not, when you should have a flat stomach, boobs, long slender legs and a beautiful complexion according to "standards". When "plus-size" websites, commercials and advertising is showing off women who are a size 12-14. That's not plus, that's the old me, the "thin" me. That however does explain my insecurities when I was that size though.

I know I need to change things in order to change me. But I don't binge eat, I drink more water than anything and I'm active (not as much as I should be...I know). If being thin and "comfortable" means that I have to live 'uncomfortably' --AKA-never eating chocolate, sweets, ice cream, pasta or ketchup ever again. Well I guess I would rather be fat.

I'm sure this is stress from planning a wedding, learning and new profession and going to school all at the same time. But every word is true. I'm feeling insecure about what I look like, the friendships I have and my role as a parent/responsible adult. But who doesn't!? We're all human....aren't we?

A union of two plus two...

The wedding plans are coming along, but I realized today that in all the hustle and bustle of planning "our" big day that I was overlooking a very crucial part of our wedding....
When Derek and I discussed the possibility of marriage we discussed many things "we" wanted. I wanted to have a destination wedding with close friends and family, he wanted a traditional wedding close to home that didn't require everybody to travel somewhere (plus the added cost of the traveling). We decided to have an outdoor wedding in a local park, it was a good compromise for me (and him since he didn't care where we got married, as long as it was local). We discussed who we'd invite, where we would honeymoon and then eventually where we'd possibly buy a house for our family.

When we discussed the "ring", Derek asked me what type of ring I would want. I explained to him that I wanted something different, unique a three stone ring with colored stones, possibly orange since it's my favorite color. He then suggested his idea, "I thought I would get your girls' birthstones put in the ring, because I didn't fall in love with just one girl, but three". I almost cried, but since I "never" cry, I smiled and thought to myself, "where has this guy been my whole life!?"

So a unique, three stone ring with colored stones is what he proposed with. He also saved the diamonds that were originally on the ring to be set into something we would give to the girls, eventually.

So from that point on our wedding plans have been all about joining not just him and I, but all four of us, into one family. When we met with our pastor and told her our plans to include the girls in our wedding ceremony she thought it was great but confided with us that she has never done a family union before so she wanted to do some research. Our honeymoon will be a "family"moon, a trip to Disney for ALL of us to share together.

A website that I have found very helpful is http://www.idotaketwo.com/child_wedding.html there are sample vows for parents and children, unique gifts and advice. I have found several other sites as well just by google searching "family union wedding", "vows for children in wedding", "combined marriages" etc. I have been pleased to find so much on non-traditional weddings but there was something I have been overlooking. That special gift, preferrably a necklace for Derek to present to the girls during the ceremony.

We really had our hearts set on finding them a necklace that had their birthstone in it and the option of adding one of the original diamonds that came out of my ring. That way they would have an original piece of my ring as well and something signifying the importance of them in the wedding and our lives.

So what to get, a heart, a family medallion, a key or something specific to the girls? There are so many possibilities and Derek and I are really struggling to find something we both think is appropriate for them.

So a web searching I will go and maybe even try to find a custom jeweler...but that I fear will be too expensive. I just need to remember to not procastinate on finding something special to share with them on our wedding day because, on May 7, 2011, the spotlight shouldn't just be on Derek and I.

Our love goes deeper than each other, we have pieces of our hearts' in my two daughters. The bond in our family is greater than a man and a woman, it is a union of two plus two.

Plans coming together...

My fiance and I have been engaged for over a year, we decided to have a long engagement to enable ourselves time-- time to save money, time to adjust to living together, and time to plan. I was so ready to start planning things, but I wasn't sure where to start considering I wanted a "cheap" DIY wedding. As I began to look at ceremony/reception places I realized that "cheap" was not in the works.

This didn't sit well with me at first because all I really wanted was nice scenery, a place that was big enough to hold at least a hundred people because I'm sure that's how many people will be coming if not more. (Still not really sure how to gauge how many people will be there.) I believe that if people continue to pay these outrageous prices for these farms and venues they will continue to charge an outrageous fee. (But that's another argument altogether.) So we decided to pick a park. It was next to nothing price wise but we will be doing everything ourselves and I'm O.K. with that!

So the plans-- First our colors are Tangerine (Orange) and Horizon (Royal Blue). I had originally wanted a colbalt blue but really had trouble finding dresses in that color.

Ceremony, Ceremony here we come...soon! It will be outdoors, in the Garden of Five Senses at Lancaster County Central Park. There is a gazebo there, it is quite industrialized and ugly up close but it will provide a nice backdrop with very little decorating. The lawn is on a hill so it provided a slight challenge in the planning process but I think we have it worked out. We decided not to rent chairs due to the short amount of time that we have the lawn for, so everybody will be responsible for providing their own seat. We will have the aisle marked with the aisle runner and shepherds hooks with floral balls adorning every hook. I am still undecided on whether or not to rope off the shepherds hooks with tulle yet. As for our "getaway" vehicle that is still in the air.

Partay! The reception is at the other side of the park in an indoor pavillion. Now when everybody thinks pavillion they think, picnic tables and rustic atmosphere. It's actually kind of nice, there are folding tables and chairs, a fireplace, a kitchen, indoor toilets and enclosed walls with windows. As for the decorating, we will be using mostly disposables so that clean up is a breeze. Since orange and blue can be a tricky combination we decided have white be the main color and then accent with orange and blue. As for the favors, there will be two kinds, we will be doing a candy buffet where everyone will be able to take some of our sweets home with them and their name tag holders will also double as a favor.

As for food...we will have a buffet of chicken and ribs, various salads, and healthy snacks. We just don't know who will be catering it yet...My cake is being done by a friend and I'm more than sure that she will please all the guests (the ones that actually like to eat cake).

Flowers..well they have been a bit tricky. I thought I knew what I wanted, but now I'm not sure. If I were paying for them (which I had originally thought we were) it would be completely different. But now someone has offered to buy them and it seems as though the process just got a whole lot more difficult. It doesn't seem to matter what "I" want anymore...but we have time to work on that. :)

So it seems as though plans are moving along, our guest list is all but finished and we will be sending out invites in early March as soon as we finalize some little details.

All in all the plans seem to be coming together...slowly...but surely!