I have always had image issues. Some of them ingrained into me as a child by my mother's constant chants of "suck in your stomach, dress nice, it's important to make a good first impression and you're going to make people think badly of you". I am thankful for her advice and wisdom (most of it). I just feel as though some of it has made me insecure.
I know for a fact that my mother is insecure, she would never leave her house without looking top of the nine and with a fresh coat of make-up on and her hair all done up nice. She's still that way. It's her pride, it's all she has. She wasn't raised in a loving household like most imagine, she had a really rough childhood, growing up in the 40's with an abusive father and ignorant mother. She was one of 6, the "middle" child. Somewhat raised by her eldest sister. But that's another story... She's come far, she's raised 3 of her 4 children, the best way she knew how. She tried her hardest to instill good manners, respect and dignity into us. Some of it worked, and some didn't but that's the trials of motherhood, I guess. My mom hasn't had success in marriage or most of her relationships and this isn't some "mother-bashing" session, it's just merely stating the unapparent. She holds her head up high, but inside, I know she's just like me.
She fears that people ridicule her; that she doesn't have "real" friends,; that she is always there for people, not expecting anything in return but in the chance that she does need them, they are nowhere to be found. There are other people who are in her life, relations that should be there and aren't, people who say they care, but can't even stop in to pay her a visit. I feel the same way, I feel as though there are certain people in my life that feel like I should just drop everything and run to them.
I'm tired, no actually I'm exhausted.
My insecurities are high at this moment. I had goals of losing weight for the wedding, but instead I'm sure I gained more. I haven't touched my scale in months out of fear of what it would say. It doesn't help my morale when someone who has never had to wear anything above a size 6 try to empathize with me. Ok, I understand, you may have gained 15 pounds in 7 months, but get over it hunny! I'm 70 lbs overweight. It affects me severely, but can I or do I do anything about it. No.
My mom suggests that I should get my thyroid checked, I may have an issue, I don't. Trust me, I have had my thyroid checked three times, my grandmother says, "it runs in the family". Why is that just ok? My mom is a stick, my dad is "thick" and I'm fat. It depresses me. My doctor says to increase my activity, my mom says I overload myself, my shins scream in pain, the house shakes when I work out and I just want to be able to eat something without the worry of gaining another pound!
I can outrun my fiance who is pretty thin, and I know that being thin doesn't mean that you are healthy, but seriously, I have asthma and I'm FAT and I run circles around him.
I need help, but at the moment there is none, I'm not heavy enough to have any kind of "intervention", I don't have enough money for a gym membership or the will-power to do it myself anymore. I'm inpatient and I want to see results and to be honest, I don't want to have to workout the rest of my life just to maintain some stupid image of myself. But how can you not, when you should have a flat stomach, boobs, long slender legs and a beautiful complexion according to "standards". When "plus-size" websites, commercials and advertising is showing off women who are a size 12-14. That's not plus, that's the old me, the "thin" me. That however does explain my insecurities when I was that size though.
I know I need to change things in order to change me. But I don't binge eat, I drink more water than anything and I'm active (not as much as I should be...I know). If being thin and "comfortable" means that I have to live 'uncomfortably' --AKA-never eating chocolate, sweets, ice cream, pasta or ketchup ever again. Well I guess I would rather be fat.
I'm sure this is stress from planning a wedding, learning and new profession and going to school all at the same time. But every word is true. I'm feeling insecure about what I look like, the friendships I have and my role as a parent/responsible adult. But who doesn't!? We're all human....aren't we?
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