My own worst enemy...

....is myself.

I don't know how to do things "small". When I plan an event, life, work, school, home, etc. I plan BIG. Sometimes too big!

In the last year I have accomplished a lot and I have fallen back on even more. I took on a new job, continued schooling, planned and pulled off my wedding (with help of course but the planning was all me!) all while attending college near finals and bringing the girls home from private school and acclimating to being a full-time mommy again. I also got the girls enrolled in the local school.

Got pregnant, not once but twice. The first pregnancy resulted in miscarriage which turned my world upside-down. I didn't realize it until now how bad if had affected me, my life, my schooling and most of all my job. I became depressed, unhappy with myself and un-motivated. I couldn't focus at school or at work. I fell behind at work because I knew I couldn't fail school. So now I have to play catch-up which is daunting and makes me feel super-inadequate. I hadn't realized how behind I got until the end of last year and the beginning of this year. There are forms due, audits being performed and me going, "Crud! Where do I start, which should I do first!?"

The second (and current) pregnancy gave me new hope and new fear. I was hesitant untill about 12 weeks along about being excited. Now that I know we are having a healthy little boy I am more excited to move on with life. Making even more "risky" decisions to hopefully make our lives a little less complicated (or possibly more...lol) and give me the opportunity to make money to help support our house and be home at the same time.

But what does that mean!? I have to quit my job, get this place in tip-top shape, no more avoiding the annoyances but facing them full forced. It means a little more anxiety for the moment but not for all time. It means I have to get my a** in gear!

If only I had faced the facts last fall, if only I had realized what burden I was placing on myself of being a mom, a wife, a student, a babysitter, a office manager, and a prego! My brain is mush- I forget things constantly. But I have to push forward. I have to get it all done! I have to focus. I have to have faith in myself and my family to help me pull through. I know I can do this, I've done harder things. But I think I may have overdone some things as usual. :-)